Recently I came to receive a beautiful thing from God, a wonderful, beautiful, kind of pretty thing that I have been searching for for many years, if not several decades. So yeah, basically I found a girlfriend.
Those I know and those who love me have reacted to this unprecedented miracle in the way only they know how: complete, outright apathy. Also a demand for pictures, actually. Considering how many people have asked to see her picture in the past two weeks alone, you’d think I’d seen an alien spacecraft, or at least Elvis Presley, possibly riding on an alien spacecraft.
The only person I know of who is not reacting to this event with apathy is my friend Frank, who, instead of not caring, has decided to kill himself. Frank has believed for many years that I am The World’s Most Virginal Virgin Who Nobody Would Date Even if Hell Froze Over and I Was The Last Living Human Being On Earth; for Frank, the fact that I have found a girlfriend, before he could, is proof that God is conspiring against him, and that soon God will also take away his Doctor Who video tapes, which for Frank is the equivalent of being deprived of vital organs.
My girlfriend comes from the Land Of Bulgaria, which for all intents and purposes had might as well have been named “New Russia” except that it was owned by rich Arabs at the time. She is very sweet and pretty and also apparently a bit of a Communist, as evidenced by the fact that she likes Michael Moore. This is fine with me. I do not mind Communism. I feel that if Communism would take over the world, it would only create more hunger and violence and oppression and racism and bigotry and death, and if more people were to die in these ways, it would reduce the line to get on the freeway in the mornings when it’s thirty five degrees outside and I want to go back to sleep. So screw democracy. Democracy can kiss my fat stupid American ass.
(Note: Ass is covered by red, white and blue striped underpants. I think. I didn’t really have time to check before I thought this sentence through.)
Anyway, while I’ve been dating Olga apparently other things have been happening, like my math test tomorrow but I think that we can all agree that nobody cares so forget I even mentioned it. More specifically, I’m thinking about El Taco Bandito.
Riding Through The Night
Farting All the Way
The Great Taco Bandito Shall
Steal Our Tacos Today
The Taco Bandito is a man who was apparently very hungry, because he stole twenty dollars worth of tacos from a man he encountered on the street. According to SomethingAwful forum poster “JD”, who coincidentally has my initials, a local news outlet in his area (apparently someplace named “Fontana”) reported about a man who snuck up on a bicyclist. According to the article:
The victim, a 35-year-old Fontana man, had just bought about $20 in tacos from a stand at San Bernardino and Fontana avenues and was riding home when the bandit confronted him. “He approached him from behind, saying, `Give me your tacos,”‘ said police Sgt. Jeff Decker. “He grabbed the bag of tacos, punched him in the face and began to flee.”
The victim demanded his tacos back when they were taken.
“The suspect then pointed what appeared to be a black handgun at the victim,” Decker said.
Judging by the article, we clearly have a situation where the bicyclist was at fault. People riding bicycles do not have rights, if they did then they would buy a car. But the situation goes deeper. Ladies and gentlemen of America, we now have new reason to not sleep at night; one that goes much deeper than being able to feed our families or freedom and happiness. There is a man out there, stalking out helpless bicyclists, and stealing their tacos from right under their large, dirty bicyclist noses. There is only one solution. It is time for Communism.
Assuming I see you in traffic tomorrow.