Writing For Adrian: It’s Harder Than It Looks

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If you haven’t noticed, updates to The Luigiian have been getting sparse lately. This is due to an epidemic of boring in Albuquerque. Boring is a disease that can infect Internet bloggers at an alarming rate, claiming entire communities within minutes and turning them into forums on non-issues like the Railrunner Express Train, which is quickly becoming locally known as the “Deathrunner” due to its stalking helpless women and children, following them into their homes and eating them. The phenomenon has left many functionally retarded and unable to read the entire content of blog posts, a local example of which is forum poster Adrian, who commented on my Railrunner page (Why Did the Railrunner Kill Again? It’s the Horn’s Fault!!!1) as follows:

well the rail runner is not to blame in this disaster, the horn can not be changed cause it would be illegal to do that and it would be against the FRA. also to add to that the cars and the drivers are at blame, i went to the same crossing and i counted 50 cars that did not look both ways on the tracks and just spead through and some saw that train coming and did not wait for it and they were almost paint on the train, DRIVERS NEED TO WAIT FOR ALL TRAINS, AND LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN CROSSING, NO EVEN THE TRAIN ENGINNER OR ANYONE CAN NOT STOP A 79 MPH MOVING TRAIN JUST TO LET A CAR PASS………. IT TAKES 2 TO 5 MILES TO STOP A MOVING TRAIN GOING BETWEEN 79 TO 100 MPH ON A DIME. SO DRIVERS ARE A T FAULT AND THE RAIL RUNNER IS NOT TO BLAME.

The problem with this argument is that I never actually said that the horn was to blame; I said that the state needs to erect a railroad crossing at the gate whether it’s on private property or not, because it’s the state’s train. My point was that the state, like any entity, has a legal obligation to make the train safe, and that if the train hits somebody or something, it’s the state’s fault. If I’m the state, and the RailRunner is my dog, and I’m walking my dog on your property with your permission, I still have an obligation to make sure that my dog doesn’t trample on your children, whether they’re in his path or not. Or something like that. Since you can’t stop a train like you can restrain a dog, the obvious solution is to erect a gate to allow the owner’s kids through at certain times when the dog isn’t being walked; hence, a crossing gate. But the state won’t pay for that because it doesn’t want to, which in my opinion is retarded, since they were perfectly willing to spend upwards of 400 million dollars on the system so far.

Obviously, however, the writer of this commentary didn’t read the post, and as a blog owner it is my job to make sure that my posts are interesting, so that you won’t feel it necessary to comment on my work by saying “tl;dr” (that’s Too Long Didn’t Read in Internet shorthand) or looking like idiots by writing something that shows that you didn’t even read the damn article. I have failed at this, and I apologize.

Yeah fucking right.

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I put this comic at THE TOP OF THE DAMN PAGE, DUMBASS. That’s seven sentences. It basically contains every single argument from the entire article, mentions the horn argument zero times, and its argument runs entirely against the title of the page, which was meant to be ironic. I suppose that it could be difficult to read for some considering that long quote bubble at the top, but I would think that even a trained monkey could get the basic idea. But I guess that would’ve taken too long for our friend Adrian. Unbelievable.

I don’t mind if you disagree with me on most of these points. Look, the people who got owned by the RailRunner were dipshits. They didn’t pay attention, didn’t listen to the horns, didn’t look both ways, and got killed for being so foolish and complacent. In short, they deserved it. So I understand if you feel that the state shouldn’t pay for a crossing on their property, using taxpayers’ money, because a few people got killed due to their own actions alone. I disagree, primarily because of the money situation involved in this debate, but I understand. However, I didn’t realize that a short three-panel cartoon would take too much effort to read for your refined tastes, O wise and intelligent Adrian. How silly of me.

Of course, I’ve seen this before. The Something Awful Sycophant Squad recently put up a forum thread about one of my articles on Richard Kyanka (who is, of course, the owner of the website Something Awful). In the article, I basically said that Kyanka should stop writing about furries, stop writing that they should be put into concentration camps and gassed, and stop writing in general because he sucks at it. To put it another way, I think that the vast majority of Internet users would be happier not having to see “OMG FURFAG” posts on every site they come to, and that the ones who want links for trolling them and argue that furries need to die are probably also the same people who would jump at the proposition of having sex in an animal costume if it meant that they could finally lose their virginity.

However, my chronic Boring Disease came back to haunt me, and they didn’t read many of my points clearly. For example, I wrote

Clearly, you are right about furries not being “the new gay”, even if you solidify their argument that they are by calling them “furfags”; in fact, they are their own religion, with clear principles and morals and rites of passage, in your forum members’ minds.

A forum member of Something Awful wrote that furries constituted an animal worship cult, apparently because some of them have “totem animals” or take it far too seriously (i.e. religiously), and I was insinuating that this argument is stupid. I also stealthily included an attack on the word “furfag” by saying that it allowed furries to describe themselves as being “fursecuted”, as they put it, like gay people are.

The commentary I got back was

The writer is an ultra-PC faggot. As shit as SA can get sometimes, this is the stupidest thing i have read in my whole life. Saying ‘Furry is the new gay’ when the truth is that it’s really the new retarded.

I will take the “ultra-PC faggot” part. I will take the “YIFF IN HELL FURFAG” I got in the end for the page, especially after admitting that “I like a lot of their art”. But come on. Misreading a quote that badly is pretty much admitting that you’re a retard.

I will work to correct my horrible Boring Disease, and so should you. 99.9% of bloggers suffer from it, the .1% remaining being Maddox and omgjeremy.com (pre-myspace). Here’s what you should do:

  1. Don’t write more than three sentences, because any more than that and today’s enlightened Internet user will not be able to understand what you are saying and will use any one of a number of witty responses, from the versatile “stupid fuck” to the powerful “nigger faggot Weeaboo”, to attack you.
  2. Today’s enlightened Internet user won’t read your website unless you lavish affection on his favorite subjects. Be sure especially not to attack mass transit systems or animal rights activists, lest hippies should feel offended by your personal opinion.
  3. Disregard everything I just said.

If you don’t like what I write, you can kiss my ass.

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