My house, which would be redneck and ugly if not for the beautiful Wii in the far-left corner.
Long ago, in a far different mindset, I hated the Wii concept. Back when it was called the “Revolution”, I thought it was the dumbest idea Nintendo had ever had. If you will recall, back then a stick you pointed at your TV was called a “remote control”, and wireless controllers sucked ass. Like hard. And controllers did not come in two parts.
Now, of course, the Nintendo Wii has become my calling. Like so many gamers before me, my quest has been to procure for myself a Nintendo Wii, so that I may, too, fling the stick controller into the TV screen. Now, I’m sure that many of you would not want to fling something at your televisions, but that only shows how stupid all of you are. All TVs are evil. Our current TV, an RCA, is currently creating elaborate plans for shutting down the moment that the last episode of TV’s House premieres, and not to come back on again until the entire episode is over and OH DEAR GOD WE MISSED THE LAST EPISODE OF HOUSE and we are forced to fling something through the TV set anyway. Our last TV, also an RCA, broke after I played Dance Dance Revolution on it. Either it has bad taste in video games or it was just a crappy-ass TV. I’m banking on the latter.
Anyway, so I have searched far and wide for a Nintendo Wii, because it is the cheapest new game console out there that does not come with a touch screen. For example, here are some responses I got from various stores about when they normally got Nintendo Wiis:
- Best Buy: First lady told us either Wednesday or Saturday; a guy told us that it was only on Saturday. Why the change of story? My opinion: Because Best Buy is evil. I will stand by my claim.
- Circuit City: Be first there on Saturday, or something like that. I think that you have to read the newspaper or something, or else they won’t let you have one. I think that this is yet another attempt to get children to read whenever they could be playing video games, and therefore I will never buy a Circuit City product ever again.
- EB Games: Buy a gift card for like $270 or something, and they’ll give you a Wii whenever they get one.
Clearly, the best choice is EB games, because their offer allows me to spend even more of my free time surfing the Internet and finding horrible things that I can obsess over and will disdain and throw up thinking about within the next three years or so. So I purchased a gift card around five days ago.
Today, of course, I took my grandmother to the grocery store, which is obviously not the start of a good day. In fact, it’s the opposite of a good day, because a good day involves Bennigan’s and getting a hot girlfriend. But I was in for something much better than unconditional love, desire, and vaguely Irish-themed food: My Wii came in. A week or two early, I think. And so I got my grandmother out of her chair and forced her to go to the mall, sometimes approaching speeds of up to thirty miles over the speed limit, dodging police officers, pedestrians, and semi trucks, to go for my big Wii. As I approached the EB Games in the local mall, hoping grandmother was still OK even though she had appeared to have had a mild heart attack from shock or something, I became embarrassed, thinking at how nerdy I must look, running through the mall alone for no good reason.
“Wow, you got here fast,” the clerk said. “I’ll try to get it from the back and not stir up a commotion.”
And he brought out the glorious Wii, in its box, and inquired whether I wanted any games with it, but, alas, I had brought no money with me, so I just got the console with the sports games. Though saddened at this loss, I skipped merrily out of the mall, smiling all the way and scaring small children as I went. It was wonderful.
My grandmother was happy for me as I set up the system. It was smaller than I’d thought, barely larger than the original X-Box’s controller. But as I began to play its games, and I swung its controller like a golf club, I realized that I had joined the “in” crowd. I was the proud owner of a small plastic box full of wires and microchips and solder, swinging a stick in front of it. One of an elite group of nerdtards. It was mine. My Wii.