Attention Stumbleupon Wankers: No, Nobody Wants Your Stupid Adult Videos.

I was going to post a poem I wrote entitled “The Last Stand of the Republic,” but it’s too good for you (a code word which means that I’ll post it later), so I’m going to bitch about something else today.

StumbleUpon is a kickass browser extension that you add to either Firefox or Internet Explorer (depending on whether you’re in the know, lazy or mentally retarded). It adds a button to the left-hand corner of the screen which takes you to a randomly-chosen site that usually kicks ass (excepting of course obnoxious meme sites, which of course number about 99% of the chosen pages). Just about everybody has it or its equivalent, and if you don’t either get it or an equivalent, it’s probably better to just save money and cancel your Internet connection and reformat your hard drive, because otherwise you’ll get shitty sites (like every single page on WordPress except mine).

Of course, with wonderful content like this, it’s logical to think that people would treat it with respect, using it to get the latest and best humor, photographs, news, trivia, and just general bullshit. Think again:

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Internet just got dumber.

Whenever I first saw this, I laughed a little. “Aw, how cute,” I thought, “A six-year-old that can write.” I then thumbed it down and went on looking for more pictures off the top of Mount Everest (for God alone knows what reason).

But, unfortunately, this image is quickly spreading across the Internet, molesting its viewers’ eyes with its God-awful grammar, drawing ability, and dumbass emoticon. Its message, in case you couldn’t read it, is simple: Some kid is trying to help the world’s Internet wankers find adult videos by getting people to thumb-up the image. Like anybody actually gives a shit.

But, of course, this made me wonder: “Doesn’t StumbleUpon already have porno?” And I checked. Lo and behold:

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But no; that isn’t enough for our man Mr. Porno connoisseur. He has to have a link for adult videos, to boot, as if it isn’t enough that we have sites like kontraband.com, chicksnbreasts.com, playboy.com, camwithher.com, and all those other adult video sites. No, we have to have more. We need a link on every site on the entire Internet for porn.

It’s not that I don’t understand the guy’s argument; after all, it would be nice to see some porn that didn’t involve lesbians or maiming fetishes for once, but that’s not my point. My point is that there’s already plenty of that crap all over StumbleUpon. Hell, even some peoples’ avatars could be classified as pornography. If you want, you can even post stuff on your site and have it classified as adult. Some people even take that concept to extremes:

 

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Adult-rated? Wow. Really?

In case you’re wondering, this was only one of a few semisexual avatars on SU, and I’ll let him off the hook this time because of that. I was actually looking for an avatar I’ve seen around StumbleUpon of a naked anthropomorphic female fox (apparently one of the “furries”), but I found this first. Count yourself lucky this time.

I hope to God the days of poorly-done, one-liner MSPaint humor end pretty damned soon. Even Maddox, the best of the genre, has essentially stopped drawing in MSPaint. I know, a lot of you hate Maddox, but I think you’d have to agree he knew how to make a good Paint image, something nobody else I’ve seen is able to do in the humor sector. Look, it’s not funny, it’s not interesting, and it’s not worth anybody’s time. We need to give this shit a rest. If you want adult videos, go to Google Video. Please give my hands a rest and don’t make me write another damned attack on this stuff, because even attacks like this one are getting old. Please? For the love of God.

 

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