(Update (June 20, 2008): Yes, this article is indeed about Paris Hilton. If you are looking here for naked pictures of the thing, go the hell away, I don’t have any, and you’re using up my bandwidth. Sorry, I’m just sick of getting “Paris Hilton ASS” and “Paris Hilton Getting Out Of Car No Underwear” in my Google Search entries. Thank you.)
I don’t normally write about stupid-assed celebrities on my site. I despise celebrities. To me, celebrities are people who sit on their asses, do nothing, and for their incompetence and laziness they actually get to make millions of dollars and get out of jail with no strings attached.
Today, while I was reading about the latest stupidities on Livejournal and minding my own business, I got slammed with the latest celebrity news by my well-meaning grandmother, who cranks up the volume on our TV to the point that dead people can hear it from the local cemetery fifty miles away. As it turns out, apparently Paris Hilton didn’t have to serve out her prison sentence that she got for being a dirty man-humping ho (it doesn’t matter if that’s what they said exactly, that’s what she deserves); in fact, she barely served three days in jail.
I hate Paris Hilton. I hated her when she was terrorizing America’s embattled middle class in her “Simple Life” bullshit, I hated hearing about her sex tapes, I hate guys who think she’s hot. I hate Paris Hilton. Period. Any man who seriously thinks that bony, vacant-looking whore is attractive enough to bang deserves to get a sexually transmitted disease.
And no, it’s not that she’s ugly, per se, but if you’re going to be as stupid, lazy and obnoxious as Paris Hilton you’d better look like the Venus herself to impress me. I remember watching one episode of “The Simple Life”. The way that she lied, cheated, used her body to get money, and constantly tried to sleep with guys (many of whom weren’t stupid enough to even consider such a thing; I can’t blame them, considering how many guys she’s probably porked) was disgusting. I wanted to puke after seeing that horrible show.
And then, as if Paris Hilton weren’t irritatingly prissy and vapid enough, she has her Bony Brigade (consisting of ugly skeleton-woman Nicole Richie) to annoy even more. Whenever there’s an anorexic like Richie, everybody pounces and begins to get worried. In Hollywood anyway; anywhere else and they’d laugh at her. In Hollywood, judging by the crap on tabloid news shows, it seems like whenever a woman doesn’t eat enough, all of her snobby-assed friends jump on her bandwagon and begin protecting her from the EVIL eyes of the media that she attracted to herself and send her to million-dollar therapy courses and rehab clinics. When people in Africa or Asia starve, we tell them that they have to get rid of abortions or anything else we don’t like or else they can just starve themselves to death; when people in the U.S. starve themselves, our culture fawns over them and acts like it’s a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE THING instead of a major neurosis that the dumbass should fix herself.
I’m sick of celebrities, and I especially am sick and tired of women like Paris Hilton that piss and moan whenever the rest of society doesn’t do what she wants them to do. In fact, I think we should force Paris to do our shit work, and let an illegal alien have the good life for a little while:
Even those of you who wish that they’d simply shoot every immigrant who goes over the border whether legal or not can agree, an illegal alien deserves Paris’ fortune far more than she does. They usually serve their legal sentences, live in a crappy country, have a crappy life and work hard to get into our country; Paris, on the other hand, pussied out of her sentence, has lived in the lap of luxury her entire life, gets to party all the time and has done nothing to get the life that she has gotten. In fact, anybody who actually works for a living and does something useful for society deserves the Hilton fortune more than she does. Hell, I’ll take it. You can have it. But I’m sick of it. The next time Ms. Hilton thinks she can be a bitch and get away with it, she should have her entire fortune taken away, and her father should be given a vasectomy so he doesn’t have any more stupid brats like his daughter.