You know what the Internet needs? MORE FREAKING PORNO.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. I came up with the idea after seeing a photo on some random chick’s webpage:

Random Internet Chick

Meet “bhjayalaxmi“. She’s 22, she’s from India, she’s interested in computers and the Internet, and if you seriously think that this is her picture, you’re an idiot.

You know, there’s nothing more irritating than the Internet. We’re talking about a medium that is so hyper-saturated with women stripping for cameras, dumbasses doing stupid things for cameras, dumbass women doing stupid things and stripping for cameras at the same time, and random-ass advertisements with women in bikinis that it’s literally getting difficult to remember the Internet as the single greatest revolution in communications in recent human history.

It’s incredibly degrading as a human being to know that there is technology that allows people as far away as China and Japan to conference with Europeans, Australians, and Americans, and do it at the same time with all of them, and that technology is used so I can see some random chick’s buttcrack. What’s worse is the fact that Internet people gobble this crap up. Whatever happened to not checking out other chicks anymore once you fell in love with somebody? Oh, I guess that such niceties as love and respect for people flies straight out the window when there’s random sexual gratification to be had. Call Andy Warhol, it looks like you can get your 15 minutes of fame, as long as you have a great big ass and whatever kind of nasty belly fat or ugly face the next wanker wants to take a good, long look at.

What’s even more irritating than this trashy porno, which is at least only accessible to those who look for it, is dating websites. Talk about kindheartedness, these sites have the ability to get you hooked up with chicks you don’t even know or have ever even seen via the tremendous power of the microprocessor, only they have the decency to put a massive right-column advertisement right on whatever site you’re viewing and make it take up 1/4 of the entire screen so that you can see it real good. Who cares about video games when you can date other obnoxious anime nerds right on the Internet, so you never have to leave your house again?

And of course, if you want to read about something, the Internet’s got you covered. How about… uh… books written by sex-desperate anime fangirls talking about their favorite dog-eared manga character having sex with a robot? I know I (unfortunately) saw something to that effect somewhere. Or maybe not, it makes no difference. On the Internet, it’s probably there! Unless, of course, it’s fun to read. Dave Barry? Nah. Rich Kyanka? Of course! There’s nothing funnier than posting links to websites that show animals having sex or putting newborn babies back into their mothers. Yeah! Talk about some real edgy Internet humor!

Seriously, though, the Internet has some use… maybe. We have good video games on the Internet. There are beautiful pictures circulating, maybe some good anime here and there, hell, even a couple of great books so you can read a chapter or two for free without even buying the book. It’s just a shame that the rest of it is so vile. For every good website out there, there’s about five slimy ones, all written by the same fat balding loser, skanky fatass, or business major looking for a buck from dummies so ignorant that they literally pay money for a “24 hour striptease”. You want a striptease? Get a girlfriend, loser, or at least don’t pay money for it. There are at least five places I know of that feature naked women. For FREE. Maybe not 24 hours a day, but if you need that, what you’re really looking for is voyeurism. Get your head out of your ass.

And how about if some decent writers put their work on the Internet? I’m serious here. Readers of blogs should not have to go to sites like this just to read something written coherently. I’m not even talking funny here, just written with decent grammar and spelling. I’ve seen foreign exchange students write English better than most of the American bloggers I’ve seen. What does that say about America? That we’re all a bunch of stupid ignoramuses? Oh wait. Well, I guess you guys can take that, but truly, if somebody else from America doesn’t start writing well on the Internet, I’m moving to Canada. Like Hell am I gonna fight in Iran so that American bloggers can prattle on like idiots all over the Internet and embarass the entire United States of America.

And that’s about it; didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, although if I did, and you’re a functional illiterate blogger, you deserve it. See you guys later.

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