It’s Time: Let’s Feed Ranchers to Wolves!

Hey ranchers! Nobody will eat your cattle… but wolves will eat you.

For a long time now, it’s been tradition for my family not to eat beef except if we buy it from a good grocery store, not McDonald’s or such, because McDonald’s beef sucks, and if I’m going to die of Mad Cow Disease, I want it to be because of something good, that I liked eating. Like, today I ate a great steak. If it wants to give me BSE at the end of the day, that’s OK. I don’t like the idea, but you know.

But that still leaves me with one problem: What about the ranchers who used to make me my crappy hamburgers? Are they going to keep bitching about wolves eating all their cattle just because I won’t eat their food? It seems like that’s exactly what they’d do, to blame something else, like a scapegoat, whenever the real problem is that meatpacking plants slaughter cattle at a rate of about 150 or so per minute, meaning that no real care is taken to make sure cow shit and brain matter doesn’t enter into American beef, so nobody wants to eat it. What are we going to do with those ranchers?

I was almost thinking that maybe I should start eating at Lotaburger again every once in a while just to help them out, but then I figured out a far better alternative: Feed ranchers to wolves! Oh, sure, their families wouldn’t be so happy about losing their loved ones, and part of the reason they complain about “wolves” is also as a scapegoat because of soulless meatpacking plants taking their jobs, but it would give wolves a much stronger presence in areas such as New Mexico, and that would have all sorts of good things going for it. Think about it: Mexicans coming over the border? Just put some wolves there. They’ll eat them! The “Minutemen” can go back home and be “normal” members of society again, assuming that they don’t start going after Canadians! And, wolves can attack crazy survivalists living out in the desert and plotting to blow up the Pentagon!

And let us not stop there, folks, because there are a whole lot more problems than these. As a few examples:

  • Shut up MADD. Yes, I know that they have done many good things, and drunk driving leads to horrible things, such as shouting matches between opposed douchebags like these. I have no problem with their wanting to stop drunk driving so that I can someday drive to school in peace without thinking that some moron with an open wine bottle in his hand is going to plow head-on into me, but I think that this whole “no children under 21 can drink” is stupid. And I don’t even want to drink! But, if I ever did, I’d be pissed off that I couldn’t. I can vote for douchebags like this guy, but I can’t drink to get the horrific image of his chicken-lipped face out of my mind? Screw that. Seriously. And it would be different if drunk driving didn’t occur so much as it is; but whenever you’re likely to get killed by some 50-year-old shmuck who thinks he can drive drunk, it just makes it worse to know that people –mothers, I might add–who are supposedly trying to save your life won’t let you drink, while some other jackass who probably gets drunk all the time plows into your sorry ass and survives because of all the alcohol in his system.
  • Shut up Bill O’Reilly, already. I’m sick of his stupid. Everybody’s sick of his stupid, unless they’re over sixty years of age (which, as the above example suggests, means that they’re probably drunk drivers and should be put in prison as it is). Look, when Don Imus gets fired for using the words “nappy” and “ho” in a sentence, O’Reilly should get fired for using terms like “wetback” and turning tragedies into political statements. In fact, I say we feed him to the wolves along with the ranchers, especially since he says he’s in favor of “the working man” so much.
  • Finally, we need to lay some ground rules for the unions, who have, like all the people on this list, exhausted their moral support. Once you have medical benefits, a living wage, retirement benefits, a 401(K), and enough money to afford cable TV, broadband Internet access, a good house, and several cars, you have gotten what you need. Please stop telling people that you’d rather bankrupt the company you work for than give in to management’s demands; it makes you look as bitchy as they are.

And there you have it. I hope I’ve given you some ideas for that college-level documentary you’re doing for Film 101.

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