Scientology and Children Screaming in Restaurants: A Chilling Combination

I have a new idea, and I’d like to see what the Internet people that come to my site think about it, since they’re so smart (their official motto: “Havn’t speled a wOrd corectly sense 1996). I think the idea has been ignored for far too long. Let’s see what you think.

I think that parents who take their children to a restaurant should have to put their children in another room, as in one in which I’m not sitting. I know, of course, that it would be wrong or even heartless to ask the same of their mothers, but sometimes I’m not sure. I remember today, as I was sitting in a restaurant (WITH MY OWN MOTHER) and the lady sitting next to us kept making huge eyes, staring at everyone in the restaurant as if somebody was about to come out of nowhere and stab her child with a fork, wondering what exactly she was so scared about.

I know what you’re thinking: “But, Justin, isn’t that horrible, to force parents to have their kids in another room?” And I say: Of course not. Trust me, I know parents. I also know children. Parents, in essence, just want their children to not scream in their ear every five minutes. Children, in essence, want to scream in their parents’ ears every five minutes, because their parents refused to get them a toy while they were shopping at Toys ‘R Us for another child’s birthday party. If we were to give them another room in the restaurant, not only would it not be horrible, but the parents would thank us. Probably at a loudness suitable for a setting involving jackhammers, because they can no longer hear anything, due of course to their kids.

I think that the room itself should be something festive, with lots of fire engine red, vomit green, mustard yellow, and, of course, Thomas the Tank Engine Blue. This would make the kids stop screaming; the walls would be loud enough (colorwise, of course). It should have no food in it, and it should be full of video games, because that is what children like. (My mother has argued that they should involve Tigger or Puff the Magic Dragon; these are both fine choices.) Finally, of course, you’d need a babysitter, who would make sure the kids did not attempt to screw each others’ heads off.

Mandatory babysitting in restaurants may not seem a big step towards world peace, but it would make my life a whole lot easier. I could say whatever I wanted in a restaurant, and get away with it, except things like “Al-Qaeda’s new video certainly looks cool, huh?” or “Yeah, I’ve decided to become a Scientologist today”, and I wouldn’t ever want to say things like that anyway, except around Canadians. You know how they like those Al-Qaeda videos. And if I ever want to become a Scientologist, I’ll just sit around some children, letting them scream in my ear, until I realize what a mistake I have made.

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