Scholarships For the “Rest of Us”.

Today, as usual, I opened my little mail bird, Thunderbird, because apparently I don’t check my email nearly enough. Currently, my folders are full of hundreds of pieces of mail, some of which I’ve never opened, because they had addresses like, which is of course college information. That’s right: I have full access to a scholarship service, I’m a year from college, and I don’t even read any of the mail I get from colleges, scholarship services, wackos, etc.

That last part, you know, about “wackos”, concerns the weird scholarships: the ones that promise $500 towards one’s college education if they agree to work in a sewage treatment plant after they’re finished with college, or ones that have you write about your real Christmas tree. (Hell, I even wrote an essay and sent it in for the last one.) But, if you’ve ever seen such a thing, you’ve got to be asking yourself, “who in the hell would agree to work at a sewage plant for a lousy $500?!” I ask the same thing. We need scholarships that reward everyday acts of courage. You know, physical tests we can all understand.

Without further ado, here are those Scholarships for the rest of us:

“We Pay as You Play” scholarship.

Pay: $50 per hour

Requirements: Must weigh at least 700 pounds to qualify.

Here, we pay $50 for each consecutive hour you play some shitty video game on the Internet. As the hours of your time go by and your ass gets exponentially larger, your scholarship fund grows! This one is great for the obsessive Internet gamer with absolutely no life whatsoever. Assuming that you’re able to squeeze through the front gates, they’ll give you the cash to the institution of your choice, no questions asked.

Status: Does not yet exist.

“Gang Bang Enlistment Scholarship”

Do you enjoy shooting up poor ghetto neighborhoods for sport? How about saving your “talent” for something more useful? We’ll pay your way through college assuming that you agree to fight for your country in Afghanistan. And, by the way, you won’t be attacking civilians, but rather, actual, honest-to-God terrorists. An extra $5000 for any recruit that brings back Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive.

Status: Does not exist, although if you stop your gang-bang lifestyle, you’ll live longer, might actually get a job and contribute to society instead of being a bloodsucking parasite, and not embarrass your family and socioeconomic class. Just sayin’.

“Honorable Bravery Scholarship”

Pay: $5000.

In this scholarship, you agree to cut back on greenhouse gas and fuel consumption by driving one of those butt-ugly little Third-World Country cars while sharing the road with massive Suburbans, Explorers, Hummers, and, of course, pickup trucks with at least twenty-five wheels on each side. Extra money goes if you use a bike instead (you fool!) and reduce emissions further by riding right in the middle of the road, blocking all traffic and forcing passing motorists to use their middle finger in a highly rude fashion.

Status: Would exist, if somebody were stupid enough to either ride a bike or use a little Third-World Country car. (Yes, some ride bikes, but they are not considered human, and therefore would not be eligible for college anyway. Even if they were, most will have already become victims of road rage by next week.)

“Robert Foley Intern Scholarship”

Don’t ask.

“Guess Who’s The Father of Anna Nicole’s Baby Grant”

Pay: Full tuition.

If you can figure out who the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby is, we’ll pay the way. Find him, and bring him in. Dead or alive. Please clean with at least 25 gallons of Lysol before turning in.

“Actually Do Something Useful Like Help The Victims of Hurricane Katrina Instead of Letting their City Die While Focusing Your Attention On Figuring Out Who’s The Father of Anna Nicole’s Baby Grant”

Pay: God alone knows; maybe nothing.

Instead of focusing on trivial issues like pornography, nipples during Superbowl halftime shows, and war threats, you help the people ravaged by Hurricane Katrina rebuild their tattered lives and towns. Of course, that’s “volunteer work”, so they’ll pay you if they feel like it.

I know I may have went off on the “deep end” on that last one.

So that’s it. I hope that these scholarship ideas help out some of you. Maybe next year, you’ll have enough to graduate. Hey, you never know…


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