Announcer: Hello, I’m Clive Chattenheimersmith, and this is the Eukanuba Pedigree Purina 2007 Tournament of Victors, in which we, you, and, mostly, a crack team of eccentric dog lovers who regularly bathe with their dogs, decide who gets the prestigious Eukanuba Pedigree Purina 2007 Dog Dish, which is carved out of solid emerald and engraved with a nice picture of a dog playing fetch with a jovial owner. Something I’ll bet a whole lot of these dogs would love to do, huh, Miles?
Other announcer: Yes.
Announcer: Right we are. And now, it appears that our three-hundred-pound Certified Dog Walking Person, who has been with this tournament for thirty years without stopping, is out to walk the dogs on the show floor!
Other announcer: No, that’s the janitor, and he’s holding a mop.
Announcer: No, I’m pretty sure that’s a do… oh, wait. My mistake. Oh, here comes the…
Other announcer: Nope, still no, now they’re going to parade their animals around the ring. Look at those butts jiggle.
Announcer: Uh, you mean, on the dogs.
Other announcer: No, I don’t.
Announcer: Righto, I’ll stop asking questions. And now we see the first contestant, a poodle named Pikachu. Apparently that is from the old, whaddyacallem, Pokey-man.
Other announcer: Whatever.
Announcer: Yep. And of course, as you can see, the dog appears to be a bunch of toothpicks held together by cotton balls, which is an excellent characteristic of this breed, as it shows that its owner has far too much free time on his or her hands. He appears quite alert.
Other announcer: Yes.
Announcer: Yes sir, and now our Certified Man Who Picks Up All the Dogs By the Rear End And Examines Them For No Apparent Reason is picking him up by the rear end.
Other announcer: That’s what it looks like from here.
Announcer: And now the next contestant in the Overly Made Up Dog category, the Chinese Crested.
Other announcer: Which looks like a horse.
Announcer: Well, if you don’t know as much as we do about dogs, you might think that, but in fact that’s a dog. A very small amount of fur and a small thicker strip along his neck makes him look a little like a horse.
Other announcer: No. A lot like a horse.
Other announcer: I’ve been taking a lot of drugs recently.
Announcer: Oops, I forgot to not ask questions. And it looks like it’s time for the judges to judge.
Other announcer: Yep.
Announcer: And now we have Jade Hoffenheimer on the floor.
Floor watcher: …
Announcer: Oooh, it looks like she got attacked by a dalmation or a pitbull or something.
Other announcer: Yeah, I didn’t think red clothing was quite that red.
Announcer: Can’t imagine why, considering how well we treat these animals! OK then, let’s go over to our other man on the floor, Bubba Jo Walters.
Bubba: Yep, and lookie thar, them thar judges just said that… yeppie! It looks like that thar pooder just got kicked out!
Bubba: Apparently, one of the judges noticed that a hair wasn’t properly brushed. But, that’s what you get for owning a pooder!
Announcer: Why would one deserve that? I own a poodle, and…
Bubba: Dogs were meant to herd, and protect thar owner’s cattle from the wolves, and sometimes be loved, but I don’t think these here animals deserve to be forced to run around a circle all day to have their butts inspected by some fat…
Announcer (fiddling nervously with controls): Ha ha, it looks like…
Bubba: Hey, wait just a gorsh durn…
Announcer: oh wow! Our connection just went out! Well, sucks to be him, to think a dog’s not an object to be put on a pedestal! But nevermind. From all of us here on Animal Planet, the channel that is absolutely against abuse against animals in all its forms, especially when it’s committed by rednecks, I’m Clive Chatterheimersmith, signing off.