The Gilded Luigiian House

By Rick Lego, Senior Correspondent

This year, Luigiville celebrates a milestone: ten years. That’s ten years of the Lego city, ten years of Governor Depoy… and ten years of war, infighting, housing shortages, food shortages, insurgencies, and inadequate government services and healthcare.

Now, of course I’m not blaming Depoy. Oftentimes, this city has been under the attack not due to Depoy’s unusually geeky countenance and difficult personality, but due to flack taken due to war between Bowserlandians and Mariolandians. The Bowserlandians attack Luigiville, Marioland’s biggest allies, because–well–we’re the big ones, the powerful ones, those with freedom and strength, and we help to attack Bowserland. It’s not all Governor Depoy’s fault that there’s not any house to live in or hospitals; after all, we simply couldn’t pay for them.

Where Depoy goes wrong is in his ignoring the consequential whenever he does anything. Take a look at these new houses: beautiful, white-faced structures that are big, roomy and–have no roofs. Houses with no stairs. Grocery stores with plenty of wall but no merchandise. Depoy attempts to get enough, but always seems to turn up short on big things.

And now, of course, due to my attacks, he tries to put a smiley face on a terrible situation. He now says that all new houses will be “double packed”. What that means: Each house will be filled to double what it was designed for. Not enough homes? Then fill up every one we’ve got.

The houses currently built are supposed to be better, but they’re unbelievably expensive. 90,000 legoleons for a house barely large enough for two bedrooms? 300,000 legoleons for a new City Hall? How about 50,000 legoleons for a Governor’s Mansion?

The new structures will have unbelievable features too. Bedstands for every room, one and a half baths per house, fully stocked, stoves, sinks, chairs–and, instead of building with the bricks we already have, new ones, direct from Lego. Wow, incredible. Bedstands when the people don’t even have homes?

Finally, Governor Depoy has begun work on even more, including cars to sell, factories, stores (most of which will almost certainly be filled with residents from the very beginning, rather than being used for merchandise) and all sorts of other opportunities. It all sounds so beautiful. But I can’t help but feel that it’s like putting tinsel on a coatrack: You can do it as much as you want, but it’s still a coatrack, you can’t put ornaments on it, and there aren’t enough branches to hold the whole thing up. Governor Depoy can put all the furniture and features into these houses as he wants, but in the end, they’re still not enough–after all, you can’t put people into cupboards, and there won’t be enough houses to put it all in.

In short, I’m underwhelmed by Depoy’s response to our problems. Instead of attacking the real and looming housing shortage, he fancies himself a furniture builder and builds bedstands of beauty. Until he stops putting gilt onto these already gilded Luigiian houses, that’s all he can do.

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