Starving to Death Through the Modern College Scholarship

Today, much as I did yesterday, I filed for more scholarships. This is an interesting test of a person’s courage, perseverance, and willingness to go to large websites where at least 50% of the pages have attractive, multiracial people smiling and just generally staring directly at you while you try to figure out what the site is trying to take from you–your ability to get other scholarships, your choice in major studies, dignity, etc.?

If I seem a tad cynical, it’s probably because I am. You see, I narrowly missed getting a scholarship from the University of New Mexico, worth $12,000 a year. Well, technically I didn’t really miss it. See, the scholarship is called the “Regent’s”, which is apparently, as UNM says at least one billion zillion times on its website, “very prestigious”. In fact, they say this about every scholarship on their website.

What happened was, I planned to fill out the information in the few days before it was due, and on that day, I found out I needed two letters of recommendation, a resume, and at least one pint of blood from my first born. At this point my mother was giving me helpful advice through screaming “JUST STOP ALREADY! THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN GET IT NOW! JUST STOP TRYING! GO TO SLEEP! STOP!”

Then for the rest of the week, whenever anybody mentioned “scholarships”, my mother would tell everybody she possibly could within listening distance about this wonderful scholarship that I just DECIDED NOT TO GET. And then everybody around her tells me, while shaking their heads, how SHAMEFUL IT IS. Over and over again. I’m afraid not to file for scholarships now, because she’s already told me I could have bought a car with the money, as well as paid for all my schooling for the rest of my life. I could have had it all. But… so sad… I just MISSED OUT ON MY LIFE! OH DEAR GOD NO! So I HAVE to get these other ones.

Now, that scholarship was only given to twenty people per year, all of whom will be from my Advanced Placement English class. (But you COULD HAVE APPLIED ANYWAY, I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE WON IT AND YOU’RE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND) And so I have mostly calmed down, and I’ll apply for UNM scholars, which I’m pretty sure I’ll get, but which is only worth a paltry $4,875 per year. Sadly enough. And in addition to that, I’m applying for several other scholarships, in the hope that I’ll get that car. Or pay for my education to Harvard, depending on which comes first. Or something, for God’s sake. I have found some very odd scholarships. For example…

  • Did you know that there’s a scholarship for having the Perfect Real Christmas Tree?
  • Or one for having a webpage?
  • Or…

OK, so not that many. All I know is that I hope I get enough money to last me through college, and that I don’t starve to death because I didn’t get the “very prestigious” Regents’ Scholarship, or whatever it is.


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