The Wonderful Art of Squirrel Drawing and The Corporation

I think corporations hate America.

I know you’re wondering why. After all, there’s so little evidence, either than gas-guzzling SUVs, gigantic amounts of food that make your stomach close to explode whenever you go to an American restaurant, video game systems that cost upwards of $250 (and video game designers that stupidly make video games only for the most expensive systems like the PlayStation 3), Britney Spears, spinach, Chevrolet, and of course, Taco Bell, which is well known not only for being a hotbed for every disease known to mankind but also as America’s fart factory, where there are so many beans in every dish that you wonder whether or not you’re actually eating British food rather than Mexican. (Yes, I know there are beans in Mexican food; Taco Bell makes its food extra-British by making it at least twice as disgusting as any other Mexican food in existence, with the possible exception of fish tacos from Taco Depot, which I will not try because I respect my stomach.) I’m used to looking on car websites and knowing that Ford Motor Company has brand new designs for both a crew-cab compact pickup Ranger and new Ford Focus, only they won’t take them to the U.S. because they say they can’t “afford” to, still managing to stealthily sneak the topic of Americans buying cars from them damn Japs in Japan into their advertising. (My feeling? If you can’t bring your best cars to the country you’re in because you don’t “have enough money”, you’re cheating America. Maybe we should buy Japanese cars in protest, Ford? Or will you just try to make us feel bad some more? Huh? WHAT?! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, YOU BITCH!?!?)

Anyway, so I’m used to all of that. (Kind of.) But I’m depressed at Nitrome.

Nitrome is a little Internet video game maker that I go to occasionally because they let you play creative video games for free. It’s fairly nice, even if everything on the site happens to be pink. And one of the games they have is called “Tanked Up.”

Do not play this game.

I don’t know who made it, but I’m guessing it’s Satan. On its second level, the game becomes shooting other tanks rather than racing (which is what the game is supposedly about). To me, this is absolutely wrong, and Nitrome is to blame. They are also to blame for this squirrel video game that reminded me of a girl at my school named Kaycee, who kind of looks cute like a squirrel. But these squirrels were not cute like Kaycee. They had these weird-looking noses, and they used a trampoline to save baby chicks falling out of the sky (probably their mother was giving birth in midair). I feel that this is also Satanic.

My solution is to execute everybody who has ever made a Nitrome game. For good measure, anybody who has ever seen or played a Nitrome game, except for me, should be sent straight to prison. Everybody else should go to Detroit carrying pitchforks to force Ford (by force) to release one of its new crew-cab Rangers to the U.S. Preferably a hybrid. Also green with sheepskin seatcovers.

This solves the Nitrome problem, but not the squirrel and food problem within the United States. People who are allowed to draw squirrels, even for fun, should be licensed professionals. Squirrel drawing is one of the few true art forms left (the others include rap and beach volleyball); it is not something that can be picked up within a week, or even, in some cases, a lifetime. These squirrels should either be drawn “cute style”, like Kaycee or reindeer, or “realistic style”, such as a real squirrel.

NOTICE: I would just like to make it clear that I do not like the girl at my school named Kaycee. I see her as looking like a cross between a crazed monk and a squirrel, and she looks British. I just like to talk about her every single post because I think that squirrels are funny. That is all.

Finally, a word about restaurant food. Please make your portions smaller before we all die of GAAACK WHEEZE COUGH CLUTCH CHEST PAINFULLY

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