One experiences many painful things in their life. For example, this entire last week I thought I was experiencing the onset of appendicitis, because of the fact that my right side was hurting, and I knew a person who had just had surgery because his appendix had exploded. That is not a thing one wants to happen to him, especially because he has school in the morning. Also, there is all kinds of pain involved and possibly death, which just adds to the torment.
Fortunately in my case, the pain turned out to probably be just gas. I decided this one day because of the fact that my left side had begun hurting, which indicated to me, a person who experiences pain daily from his gastrointestinal system, that one of two things was occuring:
- My appendix was moving to the left, and then back to the right, and then back to the middle, especially when I ate salsa.
- My appendix was fine, and it was probably gas pain.
I am still uncertain of the outcome of that fine predicament, which means that, today, I am going to bitch about something else entirely.
Wait for it… I’m trying to think of something to bitch about, you see. Bitching humorously is an art form. One can study it from either Dave Barry or Maddox, although to be truthful, Maddox sucks considerably more.
All right. Off the top of my head, I can think of many things to bitch about. For example, a few days ago, I got a video from AOL. Now, this was not your typical AOL video. This was an AOL video entitled “GM President Gets Heckled”, or something to that extent. There are very few AOL videos where you can see rich men make asses of themselves for free. And so, in order to see a man who makes more in fifteen seconds than my mother could in several billion years become a total laughingstock, I attempted to start the video. Unfortunately, this video was being opened by my DVD player, which meant that I suddenly had a big blank screen in front of me, with absolutely no idea what to do. I was never told that my DVD player was handling this issue; I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be handled, you know, by Windows Media Player. But, my cousin Josh, in his eternal wisdom, had apparently decided much earlier that WMP wasn’t good enough for him, no, he had to have the DVD PLAYER DO STUFF LIKE THAT. Or at least, that’s what I’m saying because I don’t want to admit that I have absolutely no clue what the hell is going on with why no videos are playing right on my computer.
In addition to that, I’m going to bitch about women. You see, just recently I had a girl at my school sitting next to me. She had come from an entirely different school clear on the other side of town, so I thought that it would be a perfect time to put my patented moves on her, by staring at her and telling her, “Oh, I’m sure you’re doing fine in this class”, when in reality, I know that she will never finish this class, because she has a 50% two weeks before Christmas break, and then sometimes I offer to help her with her work. But, to my eternal chagrin, these moves did not work at all: Instead of swooning into my outstreched arms, she in fact went over to my archrivals, the preppie partyers, talking with them, and then she pointed and laughed at me after class. The nerve! I even tried to make her feel like she isn’t stupid! And she has the nerve, the gall, to think that I’m a loser because I act like she’s giving me a new car whenever she gives me a pencil, saying “Thank you, thank you!” in mock thankfulness. Some girls even tell me that I act like a stalker because of that. And do you know what I say to them? WAAAAAAH YOU’LL NEVER LOVE ME EVER EVER EVER I’M NEVER GOING TO DATE YOU EVER, EVER, EVER, AS LONG AS I LIVE, WAAAAAAH!
And then: OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I DIDN’T MEAN IT PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME.
I’m going to go cry in the corner right now. The pain is just too much.
I think my appendix just burst.