The following are campaign ads from the two candidates running for Luigiville County Sheriff. Their views do not reflect those of the webmaster. Thank you.
Hello. My name is O.J. Simpsen.
I’m running for Luigiville County Sheriff because I think it’s time for a change. Luigi Mario is a faggot. He enjoys having sex with men, including U.S. President George W. Bush. He is also a pinko Commie liberal who wants to make gay marriage legal, and allow serial killers to get out of prison.
As Luigiville County Sheriff, Luigi Mario regularly ate donuts at taxpayer expense. He even made money using taxpayer dollars! And, in addition to all of this, he has made Luigiville less safe by filing paperwork before arresting criminals. In fact, despite his credentials as “Super Mario’s younger brother”, crime in this country has stayed constant, at a 1% crime rate, since he took office!
Not only that, but Luigi Mario hates video games and is a friend of fello Pinko Commie Anime Conventioneer Justin Depoy, who has insisted that warrants are necessary to keep our civil rights intact! This is infantile.
- We need to fight free… er, terrorism by implementing a Freedom Fighter Task Force. This task force will have the ability to intercept your telephone lines, kill children and puppies for sport, and arrest people with absolutely no reason whatsoever. This is fine because you won’t get arrested unless you’re a terrorist. After all, what’s the chance that we’d arrest you for calling people to a party?
- Our Freedom Fighter Task Force, however, will not only intercept Iraqi terrorist calls. It will also intercept any calls that are suspicious because they are sent out to many people, especially for some sort of political “party”. You see, there are many terrorists in the Luigiian Republic. In fact, your neighbor, son, wife, or mistress could be a potential terrorist! In order to find out, ask your son the following questions:
1.) Has he ever called his friends to a party?
2.) Has he ever succeeded in winning a school sponsored “mock election” by being a stupid fucking stoner with one of those damned wool caps who’s never had an intelligent thought in his life and only got elected because every other fucking student is JUST AS FUCKING STUPID AS HE IS FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU ALL?
3.) Have you sponsored terrorism by doing drugs?
Just remember: Luigi Mario is a faggot, terrorists are everywhere, mock election winners are fucking stupid-ass stoners, video games are badass, and if you’re stupid enough to write like Something Awful authors you deserve to get no website traffic.