(Photo courtesy Bottle_Depot.)
Robert Redford, in the film The Candidate, plays Bill McKay, a formerly idealistic kid who is corrupted by the American system of politics into becoming a puppet of the Democratic party. We wish this were an exaggeration.
In our nation these days (which come threateningly close to my birthday), people wearing business suits begin to crawl out of the slime from which they were born and begin campaigning for themselves by attacking other “people of the slime.” They are called “politicians” and they exist because, in days long before us, when people drank far too much, a group of evil men called the “founding fathers” decided that it was best that the people of their lands (which happened to be near modern New Jersey) rule over themselves, thus preventing the sort of terrible Rule by Little Old Lady that occasionally occurs in places with poor dentists like England. But then they realized that there was a problem with this system, such as that there were far too many people that would vote for things like, for example, banning lawyers, which actually happened in Georgia (whose Governor, not that it matters, was then named Oglethorpe). Since all the people in this sacred group of document-writers were lawyers, this could be a terrible thing, especially since they’d just given these people tarring and feathering equipment. So they decided upon a sort of Slimeocracy.It works like this: People made of slime are born (in New Jersey–I know many of you think that politicians like George W. Bush are from Texas. They are; George W. Bush isn’t a politician, because politicians have to be smart enough to convince a large population of people that they are not stupid), and they are sent to a swampy, haunted marsh between Virginia and Maryland called Washington, D.C. There, they congregate into devil-worshipping pedophilia cults called the “Senate” and “House of Representatives”, whose abbreviations (check them if you like) are SEN and HOR. There, the House of SEN and the House of HORs come up with wacky laws that everybody else is forced to arrange their lives around, such as that toilet tanks cannot contain more than 1.6 gallons. I am sure that you are thinking I am joking; but those of you who have EVER bought a toilet know exactly what I am talking about.
Now, of course there are many slimy things in human life. There is seaweed, for example, or Ron Popeil. But Slimeoticians are by far the worst. For example, here are some real-life quotes from the latest elections:
- “Jim Bibb has never practiced law for the last two years.” (Gary King campaigning against Jim Bibb)
- “How can we trust Gary King to fight corruption, if he skipped votes to protect our kids?” (Jim Bibb campaigning against Gary King)
- “Liberal [very bad word, apparently] Patricia Madrid says that we should wait to intercept a terrorist call until after ‘the paperwork’ is filed” [referring to obtaining a constitutionally-prescribed warrant]” (Heather Wilson campaigning against Patricia Madrid)
- “Heather Wilson took more campaign contributions from sexual predator Mark Foley [the representative] than any other representative in Congress” (Patricia Madrid campaigning against Heather Wilson)
There are probably countless more of these sorts of deceptive ads around where you live. Now, of course, I know that there are some things more irritating than these ads (such as the latest Head On commercial, which has a woman complaining about how irritating Head On commercials are while appearing on a Head On commercial). But, however, it should be noted that neither Patricia Madrid nor Heather Wilson appear in either of them. And, apparently, Head On’s product works really well, as the paid actors said.
The other sort of campaign advertisement is the weepy type, where sad/inspirational music plays in the background and the candidate comes on camera talking about how much she loves this state and how much she loves you and how much she wishes she could kiss you right on the lips right now. In my opinion, this commercial is marginally less irritating, if only because it doesn’t involve mud. A variant of this is the classic type, which is least irritating and basically says that the candidate is the man for the job. I wish people would use this nice and somewhat classy type of advertisement to shout out about themselves, rather than attacking others.
Either that, or we can vote using electrodes. Candidates, your call.