There are a lot of books on the worst cars on the road. There are also a lot of books on the worst, the stupidest, or the most corrupt politicians, homes, designs, in-laws, criminals, and even college book reports and essays. But, there’s one thing that (to my knowledge) nobody’s ever harped on, and that’s Lego. I’m sure that many of you reading this are thinking immediately of Star Wars, ExoForce, and Bionicle sets. So am I:
1. The ENTIRE Avatar/ExoForce Series
AUUUGH. I’m 17 freaking years old, not twelve. So what? After all, Legos are for kids, aren’t they? Well, yes, but back as recently as 2004 Lego sets didn’t have their own TV shows on Nickelodeon. Back then, you know, Legos were designed so it didn’t matter how old you were, you could still have fun with them. There were Star Wars kits, but plenty of adults like Star Wars. Now, of course, you have this:
Having to find these pictures was bad enough, but having to put them on my webpage so you’ll understand what I’m talking about is even worse. Having my beloved Legos being turned into stupid cartoons is sickening. Here are some other reasons you might feel a little queasy right now:
1.) It’s racist. This new Airbender, Avatar and ExoForce crap exists because kids like anime, and Lego is banking on that selling its bricks. What they don’t realize is that their Lego figures look decidedly stupid with anime expressions on their faces. I submit:
I’m sorry, this doesn’t even look like anime. It looks like this one show that was made by Canal France under the same premise. The fat, round features of a Lego figure are completely out of proportion with the eyes Lego put on. The only reason we know it’s an anime copout is because of the fake Japanese-style lettering Lego used for its Exo-Force logo.
2.) The sets suck. My cousin bought one for me. Me and him have been playing with Legos since before Lego sold out to the various media that now power almost every single one of its series. They got rid of their old Space, Castle, Exploriens, Space Police, and all of their original series for bland mainstream ones. So he bought me, out of the love for me that he has despite my occasional crankiness, one of these little Exo-Force kits, an orange one named “Uplink”. I admit, mechs are always cool, even when their character has a silly expression on his face and the robot’s exterior is covered with Asian letters. But the robot’s legs were designed so they were hard to move (even for an experienced Lego designer like me, with new ratchet joints so they don’t have free range of movement anymore-an idea that clearly came out of another planet, as I’ve never seen a set that needed ratchet joints), there was no cockpit, and it even lacked an instrument panel. That’s not Lego quality, and so it’s clear to me that it’s just another shill for money from Lego’s desperate advertising department. It’s too bad that my cousin’s thoughtfulness was ruined by Lego’s putting its brand name over its products’ substance.
I think that EXO-Force and Avatar are Lego’s worst ideas ever. Less painful than just plain embarassing, these sets make it hard to like playing with their bricks after you’ve reached puberty.
2.) Spongebob Squarepants Series
Yet another cynical attempt to cash in on a Nickelodeon cartoon franchise. Considering how many obsessive-compulsive adult fans of Lego are out there, it’s amazing that Lego has done so much to make its toy bricks seem so immature. What’s more amazing is, the Spongebob fad went out a long time ago (I can’t remember when, and I’m not going to try to figure it out). So why would Lego even bother to make this silly series when it could be fixing its Lego Factory system to work better?
This should probably be higher. LEGO made its own CG-animated movie series out of this, enticing millions of prepubescent children to spend their allowance on Bionicle masks, shoes, and Lego figures. It would be bad enough, excepting that Lego made brand new (and extra-ugly) pieces for the series:
This would seem to be an attempt to make building with their bricks less time consuming for kids that they apparently think are too stupid and impatient to build with their normal bricks, yet these bricks actually make building more complex, with difficult Technic joints and masks that come off far too easily. It would be first, except that this is long gone. It’s storyline, for the most part, is replaced by:
4.) Knights’ Kingdom
Same old easy-to-fall-off masks, only now the Bionicle storyline is replaced by an equally silly one with names like Vladek (which sounds Russian), Mathias, Danju (which sounds vaguely Scandinavian, but I’m sure one of you will know what language Lego stole from to make it), and “Kentis”, which, disgustingly, reminds me of Ken the Gay Barbie Male (I use that term loosely). I bought the one that had a wolf on its shield, solely because it had the wolf on its shield; after it came off (along with his helmet, of course) I never bought another. The one thing I never understood about the shields is, if you’re going to have a shield, why should it be made out of cardboard like the ones on the first toys were?
Let me get this straight: You’re going to sell me a Lego set based off Batman? Oh, and OF COURSE it’s not just another moneymaking scheme based off buying rights to a media franchise rather than put out houses,police stations, and rocket ships that someone might like to build? You know, like your products used to be?
This one wouldn’t be so irritating if it weren’t for the fact that Batman sucks so badly, and I can’t remember the last time I heard about a Batman movie. Of course, I don’t watch TV much, so I don’t know (thank God).
6.) Star Wars
If you’ve been paying attention to this article, you already know what I’m going to say about this one.
As you can tell, only one of the above series doesn’t have a TV show based off of it. The rest are less bona fide Lego sets than prostitution, as Lego continues to attempt to stop hemmhoraging money and its Lego fans continue to play video games like Grand Theft Auto.What’s really depressing about all of this, when you get right down to it, is that Lego can do better. Why not come out with some more mechs, only without a cartoon show on? Haven’t we had enough Transformers-type cartoons made by companies motivated by greed? What about just making the Lego figures and letting the kids come up with their own storylines? I guess they’re not smart enough for that anymore. And to think, this new “generation” of stupid children began only after 1993, after my cousin was born! Amazing! My cousin, one of the last intelligent members of our great species. Before that, a lot of sets didn’t even have a single character named, and those that did had at most two characters. Two. Now every character has a predefined purpose, has his own cartoon and video game, and two faces, one covered by a wig, and both tacky as hell.Something has to be done! Someone has to stop Lego!Someone’s got to finish his latest Lego Factory design.
Tell me what you think! email me:Luigirepublic@aol.com