In every city across the United States, there is a newspaper. And in each of those newspapers there’s a section nobody reads. For example, in my state there’s the Albuquerque Journal. And in that newspaper is a section entitled YES. At first I was unsure of what exactly this bizarre “YES” was. A section commemorating the band of the same name? A call to action (Should we allow fascist Communists who support the conquering of the United States? YES!)?
It was this frightening possibility that at first made me reluctant to join such a group, a group that worked drinking coffee and writing columns that nobody reads all day. And then I found out it stood for Youth Express, and I figured, hey, as long as they’re not fascist Communists. And it might be “fun”, meaning that it “might generate free advertising for this website”.
So I decided to send in a resume for them, which is, according to their words, “a letter about yourself and your interests. Include why you want to write for YES, what ideas you have for stories and what your career plans might be. Also send three or four samples of your best writing— journalism, creative writing and/or essays.” And so of course I was very excited. And then it said:
“Students with journalism and photography experience are preferred. Be prepared for an interview.”
And of course I thought “AHHHHHHHHHH I DON’T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE IN NEWSPAPERS OH NO OH NO AHHHHH!” But it only says that it’s preferred. You know, despite all of those students who took journalism in school, I’m sure they could use a person with my talent, someone who writes pointless, moronic posts on a website. It could happen!
At least, as long as they don’t read the said website. Especially this post. So I’ve decided that I’ll do everything, except give the URL for this website, because if I do they will take one look at it, and then look at the bad handwriting on the essays I’ll send, and laugh manaically. If anybody finds out about this website, I will be ruined, and I’ll never get the pleasure of getting to write for YES in the newspaper, and ALL WILL BE LOST. There are times in your life when you’re glad your website only gets around three hits per decade, and one of those is when your child accidentally writes your Social Security and credit card numbers where any thiefy robber could get them, and the other is when it would cost you a job writing stuff that nobody reads, not even if they’ve been smoking crack.
(P.S. I was just kidding, Albuquerque Journal editors, please don’t laugh at my chicken scratch papers and website, I was just kidding about nobody reading your wonderful papers. My computer would be happy to wash your feet with its hard drive. Thank you.)