Illiterate 14-year-olds can’t write. So stop.

One unusual thing I’ve noticed about the Internet is that those who try to make a funny site usually fail, and those who want to make a serious site usually wind up succeeding. In being funny, of course. I don’t understand it, but I think this is just further proof that the Internet makes you stupid. I believe that, if Mark Twain were to write a blog on, he would end up writing like this:

“Anyway, ok, so liek 2day i had a kewl tyme wryting my n3w bl0gz0r p057z0r 4nd th3n I 473z0r t3h 54ndwichz0r th47 my m0m m4d3…”

Anyway, you get the idea. In case you don’t understand what I’m talking about, the last sentence was written using what is known as “l33t”, which was made by nerds to make each other’s brains explode. Nobody, not even a Star Trek geek so serious he could tell you the exact moment in episode 316-G where Captain Kirk was eaten by a shark, could read the preceding sentence without going blind. I’m not sure if the language was made so that jocks would eventually have to wear glasses like the nerds had to SO THEY NEVER GOT LAID THROUGHOUT COLLEGE AND STILL HAVE TO GO TO DOG POUNDS FOR DATES AHHHHH but I’m assuming it is. And of course, if they aren’t writing like that, then bloggers decide to use the only slightly less irritating method of writing, which serious writers call “illiterate 14-year-old girl” writing. In order to write like this, one must simply remember never to spell a single word correctly, to the point that an English major would kill himself 15 seconds into reading the first paragraph, like this:

“ok, so liek i wet hoem 2day and watned ot taek a nap adn then my bf caled and told me he hda a std adn then…”

I’m sure you think I am exaggerating. Perhaps you think “nobody could be that stupid. I mean, seriously, what was she thinking, dating a boy at age 14?” Sadly, however, this is true, and happens often. Nevertheless, you already knew that bloggers were that bad. As testament to this, 95% of all English majors in the United States are already dead.

I say it’s time to stop this pointless waste. For example, first all adults in the U.S. should tell their teenagers that not everybody is going out, and that in their day it was normal for people to not date until they got married or until the Summer Solstice fell on November 32nd. (That is why population was so low, back in those days.) Then we really need to get started on the whole blogging thing.


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