The Internet Can’t Top Girls with Personality Deficits

The topic for today is, if you remember from last week, the T.P. Girl. What I’m referring to is a girl who wrote into Teen People saying that her crush had found toilet paper sticking out of her underwear.

For those of you who don’t know, Teen People is a magazine for teenage girls who represent the “in” crowd, by which I mean girls with serious personality deficits. You may be wondering how I, as a male, came into contact with a copy of this girl’s teen magazine. It was not by my own choosing; my mother, not knowing that the magazine was made for girls (because it after all chose to name itself “Teen People” instead of “Teen Girls With Serious Personality Deficits” as I would have), got me a subscription for a year. I tried reading the magazine, because I knew it was an important literary work, as measured by the number of celebrity women wearing bikinis. I also wanted to find out “what’s going on” in girls’ minds. What I found, of course, is that most of them only care about celebrities and that time they tied up that nerdy girl in physics class using only her panties.

Which brings us back to the T.P. Girl.

The T.P. Girl is only one of a number of girls who wrote into the magazine with their “innermost secrets” in order to see them in a magazine read by millions of other teenage girls. Another I remember off the top of my head was one who was videotaped while singing the “Barney” theme in the shower and another was one who was caught while skinny dipping.

The issue here is not why I remember only articles involving naked teenage girls. Nay, the real problem I have (and you should too) is why they would want these things written in the first place. I know that most people, even those with an eggplant for a brain, would not want these things told, and might even deny them to, say, God, or Tom Bergeron. So, what would possess millions of teenage girls to write these things in the first place?

I’m going on a whim and blaming the thing that has caused all the problems in our society today, meaning people who use “LOL” more than five times per sentence: The Internet. I think the Internet has rotted these girls’ brains out further than a Jack O’ Lantern at Easter, based on a reliable source: the Something Awful motto: “The Internet Makes You Stupid”.

So I’m going to push for Internet licences. First, we’ll start with truly stupid websites, like chrisfortier.com. Then, we’ll start issuing licences to good ones (and Something Awful, because it gave me the idea); finally, we’ll get the worst ones, ones that rely on magazines to make fun of innocent teenage girls, like for example, this one.

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