Hey, Rune Traverse, Still Seeing If There Are Any Femslash Writers Around?

Recently I did something I should not have done, something that will undoubtedly plague me to the ends of the earth or at least until I stop showing myself and my crappily drawn wolf feet and my big nose to the Internets. I did something dangerous, something exciting, something so unusual and rebellious and downright stupid that I wish to vomit just looking at what I did. I wish to vomit more than my cousin did last night. And my cousin vomited at least a dozen times last night.

What I did was, I commented on a website. Specifically, I commented on Your Webcomic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad. This is a high-quality, highly-humorous website where the webmaster–a man by the name of John Solomon, a famous king of Israel who has already died several times–writes out a long article about a webcomic of his choosing, and finishes by calling the creator a “literary pedophile”. He has done this for 35 webcomics now, all of whose creators were indeed found to be literary pedophiles and were immediately party-vanned by the Federal Bureau of Literary Investigation (FBLI), consisting of Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Miguel de Cervantes, and of course Kurt Vonnegut. Mr. Solomon shows no signs of stopping, unless Jennifer Diane Reitz finally finds out who he is and carries out his/her threats of unleashing his/her Tranny-Rays upon poor Solomon, taking away his undoubtedly gigantic cojones and transforming him into a withered husk of Once-Was-Man, Now-Is-Sad-Depressing-Internet-Loser-With-No-Balls. John Solomon should be considered armed with literary abilities the Internets have not seen before and extremely dangerous. If you have a bad webcomic, such as this one here, you should either an hero or delete fucking everything as quickly as possible.

What I said on Your Webcomic Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad was that John Solomon was unfunny and was spawning unfunnyness. As just one example, he was the inspiration for this blog post, which is not funny drama. This sort of drama does not make you laugh at the person creating it. This is bad drama. It makes you want to go to sleep. It is tl;dr. It is not funny. Period. End of story.

Solomon’s unfunnyness was OK whenever he was spawning good drama. As just one example, he attacked a comic entitled “Pastel Defender Heliotrope,” which is hilarious in that its creator is both an obnoxious transsexual and inherently stupid and loud. He thus got many lulzy comments.

“Riiiiiight. Let’s see. Almost zero constructive criticism. Instead you spend all your time making fun of its title and saying how ludicrous it is without grasping the concept that it is science fantasy… and thus part of its charm lies in the fact that it is so alien to mundane storytelling.”

“Ah, how brave. Posting anonymously to attack people. At the very least create an account with a pseudonym so you can take pride in your insults. Though I suppose the account-creation system might be beyond you. It’s simple. Go to Google, get a gmail account, and use that to log in.” –THE Robert A Howard NAMED Robert A Howard OF ROBERT A HOWARD’S SITE Tangents

“This comment box has certainly devolved into a swirling vortex of fecal matter. In fact, I feel it necessary to apologize on everyone else’s behalf, so “Sorry, John.” I’m not certain if idiocy is contagious, or if the internet actually does just attract the criminally unintelligent, but in either case, some rather sluggish individuals have made their way to your forums. It’s too bad that fire doesn’t have the same effect on internet slugs as it does on real ones, or I’d suggest they keep at it.” –Zack Ziegfried

“Mr. Robert A. Howard of Tangents, this morning I went to the bathroom and took an epic shit - and I mean epic. We’re talking bowel movements that Vikings would sing about. It was the most monumental dump I’ve ever taken in my entire life.

“On account of the massive effort it took to disgorge it from my backside in ten minutes of grunting, sweating and muttered resolutions to have more fibre in my diet, I demand you respect both me and my shit.” –John Solomon

The major difference between good drama and bad drama is that good drama is rapid-fire, and it is incredibly whiny, above-it-all know-it-all bullshit that is ripped apart easily. It is not a circle-jerk. It is like a circle-jerk, yes, but like one with hippies and a troupe of mimes and they are all bloodily dispatched by a force of Marines carrying flamethrowers. It is not nerds whining at other nerds for making nerdy webcomics.

Yet that is what John Solomon is becoming. Whenever I made my post, I was immediately dispatched. Not by intelligent trolls, the kind that made Solomon’s site what it once was. I was attacked by the pathetic scum at the bottom of the Internet barrel: Webcomics nerds:

Wow. Considering I just showed the blog to four different friends last week - only two of whom read webcomics, all of whom laughed themselves sick and bookmarked it - I’m going to file this under “trolling stupidity” and leave it at that.

That said, this blog is quite funny, and a great source of information for those of us who don’t have our heads up our asses. I’m in the process of setting up my own comics site, and frankly, I’d probably have committed at least some of the idiocies Soloman’s mentioned if I hadn’t stumbled across the Elders’ reviews. It’s not “nice” or “constructive criticism” in the way most people understand it, but guess what? Most webcomic authors are wrapped in such a fog of self-absorbed narcissism that they can’t understand sublties. They need to be hit in the head with the two-by-four that is Soloman’s venom if there’s any hope of breaking through to them.

This was written by one Rune Traverse, who for the remainder of this article I will refer to as Rune “Are there any femslash writers around?” Traverse.

As in, “Rune Traverse. Because nobody cares that you did it for a ‘World Day of Femslash Writers’ event.”

As in, Rune “Why did you want to make something for a lesbian comic event in the first place?” Traverse.

As in, Rune “Next JDR tranny lesbian” Traverse. (Hey, connecting the dots here people, they both either have or want to have lesbian-slash-fanfiction comics, they whine, etcetera, etcetera.)

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, it’s time to move on to troll number two, because I find this to be incredibly fun and an excellent way to lose all of my readership using one single post. His name is Jesse J, which reminds me of some other e-tard that called me a “racist” because I give a shit and I definitely care what race anybody is, and I will scream and bitch about it until that fucker comes back here and learns how to spell cojones CORRECTLY. More specifically, he called me a “pussy” when I rewrote it to his specifications, said I had small “cahones” because he knows how to spell Spanish words, and never commented again, even when I reposted it and outed him for being the dumb PC retard he is. Anyway, this new Jesse, who does not use floral patterns for his avatars (hopefully) said:

Luigiian, I don’t know what your specific gripe is. However, you appear to be a shameless furry. This can tell us a great deal about the friends you have. The horrifying furry artwork displayed on your frontpage, in addition to horrendous articles you have posted there, on top of the persecution complex furries have, suggest you have little tolerance for criticism.

Or maybe your site’s a joke/troll site. A BAD one. The stuff you’ve shat out is unreadable. Not “My Immortal” unreadable, because that has some entertainment value. Yours is just bland and uninspired shit that a 10th grader could make. I don’t know where you get the idea that you’re qualified in any way to critique someone’s writing, as your work does little to demonstrate any skill or knowledge you might have.

I can only hope that this new Jesse J is the old Jesse, because it would be hilarious and unbelievably lulzy for this butthurt John Solomon fan to come back over here and post twenty paragraphs about how mean I am for having said that the great and powerful John Solomon is not funny.

People, John Solomon is not trying to be funny. At this point, neither am I. I truly do not give a shit anymore, and I truly do not care if Jesse/Internet Poster A thinks I’m funny or not because my only knowledge of Internet Poster A is “OMG FURFAG HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE GREAT JOHN SOLOMON YOUR SITE SUCKS A BLOO BLOO BLOO.” John Solomon is not funny because he is not trying to be. He is critiquing webcomics.

That is all he is doing.

If you find him to be funny it is coincidental and not the main point, which is WEBCOMICS SUCK. If you clicked the link at the start of this article you should know this by now. There is no such thing as a good webcomic, with a few notable exceptions.

• Kid Radd
• Lackadaisy Cats
• Others I don’t have the time or interest in tediously documenting

What makes a good comic? One with a real plot, one that is actually funny, and one that does not rely on gimmicks like lesbianism, furry shit, or video games. Note Kid Radd and Lackadaisy Cats. Neither uses their VG or furry shit as a crutch. Kid Radd has a cool plot–videogame characters escaping their games and finding new lives, but being taken advantage of by corrupt generals and leadership–and Lackadaisy Cats has the Fievel-Goes-West-esque “1920s speakeasies with cats” theme going, and it does it well.

Since you said webcomic artists need to be hit by a two-by-four of criticism, and since you want to be one and quite clearly do not know the first fucking thing about webcomics inasmuch as you looked to GAIA ONLINE FOR HELP, Ms. “Are there any femslash writers around?” Traverse, I’ll give you some. No, I am not the powerful and great John Solomon with balls of steel and cock of iron, but I at least had the intelligence not to say that the field I was about to enter into was populated by people “wrapped in such a fog of self-absorbed narcissism” that “they can’t understand subtleties (sic)”. So here’s your two-by-four.

• DO NOT LOOK AT GAIA ONLINE FOR HELP ON ANY WEBCOMIC EVER.
• Don’t start a webcomic or find help for a webcomic on the pretense “Hey guys, I want to write something about lesbians!”
• Do not go bitching about how you want “constructive criticism” in your webcomics yet don’t even have the balls to link to your own webcomic. And no, the “OMG its so pathetic when peoples link to their site for hits and praise!!!1″ doesn’t cut it, bitch. People on Solomon’s site are not going to give you hits and praise for nothing, they are going to rip you a new asshole if your comic sucks. And, considering that whole “Are there any femslash writers around?” shit that you bandied about, it’s a good bet yours does. And you should hear it from them, and you should be happy that they gave you said criticism. Again, you asked for it.
• Don’t draw it in animu style. You are not Japanese. Solomon has said this, and considering that you love Solomon so much, you should take the hint. If you have ever taken an art class you should mix what you’ve learned there with what you want your shit to look like. See those wolf drawings at the top of my page? That’s what your animu is going to look like to anybody with two working braincells in their head–shit. Yes, I know they’re shitty drawings. BECAUSE I’VE NEVER TAKEN AN ART CLASS and don’t care if you like my doodles or not. If you don’t know how to draw art, then find somebody who does.

And Jesse, you fucking suck. Come back here when you learn how to spell “cojones” correctly, asshole.

So there you have it. I hope you’ve left by now and never come back. If not, tune in next time when I’ll be writing more stupid shit nobody cares about.