Women, This is Your Last Warning: Date Me, Or No Rich Husband For You

As is typical for me, today I asked somebody out, and the girl of course told me no. Not no, but “no” in that nice way girls say it to hide the clear fact that they’d rather have their intestines ripped out by a meat hook than ever date me.

(Note: That last bit was not saying that I want to rip out a girl’s intestines with a meat hook. That is a common misconception about this article, perpetuated by the same type of people who say that there is an evil shrew that lives in the Grand Canyon and eats children who fall off the side, or that aliens in Roswell are currently holding Elvis hostage. What I am saying is that girls hate me to the point that, when given a choice between being disemboweled or dating me, they would choose to be disemboweled without even considering what they had for lunch that day. Please read the last sentence more closely before you call the authorities. Thank you.)

You know. Like whenever you ask somebody on a date, and they say “I’m busy”, and then talk about that wonderful guy they’re going to date.

So it’s time for me to pull out my patented Last Warning. Here it goes:

If I don’t get a girlfriend by the time I’m out of high school, I will never, ever date anybody for as long as I live on God’s green Earth. That’s right, ladies, your time is up. You will NOT be able to go flirting around with all these hunky bastards if you ever want to date me.

And that goes DOUBLE when I have a $3,000,000 bank account.

Actually, I’ve been wrong before, so I don’t really know how much that Official Warning will work, especially since I haven’t gotten a visitor to this site since approximately the Dawn of Recorded Time. For example, I have written all of the following:

1. A “satirical” LBN Newsnet Report in which I suggested that the US military should bomb Clovis, New Mexico because it begged them to keep their Canon Air Force Base open after the military “considered” shutting it down. Now, of course they really should have bombed Canon and Clovis, considering that New Mexico was getting a space base, which would have been just as pointless, and they could have begged for that, but no. Instead, I took it (the post) down, because back then everybody was weeping over poor Clovis and their poor little air force base, which had such powerful things going for it as, for example, a) having lots of dirt and b) being high enough to instill nosebleeds in all of its pilots.
2. My review, “Microsoft IE 6 Vs. AOL Explorer Vs. Firefox”, which I never took down, out of pure sadistic hatred of Internet users because it suggests both Firefox and AOL Explorer sucked. After using my old computer (with IE 6) for the last week, I realized how truly wrong I was. If you mistakenly bought IE 6 due to my review (You fool!) I truly, truly apologize.
3. A recent post, “Tired of Ford? Buy Japanese” in which I suggested that Ford workers could assemble the packaging for my Inuyasha DVDs. Needless to say, this did not go well, and my mother said that I was a dirty traitor, same as when she found out I had a fetish for

Ok, anyway, so my point is that I do not always use good sense when I post something to this website, for example, anything I’ve written pretty much since the site’s inception. But I know I’m right on this one, because I saw the January 24, 2007 article on Cagle’s Blog, which suggests that if we all get married, the world and planets will suddenly go into alignment and world peace will ensue. Now, I know this to be true, because the primary reason I’m obsessed with getting a girlfriend is because I know in my heart of hearts that I’ll probably spend my adulthood behind a dirty movie theater drinking hard liquor. I have never understood humans, so it stands to reason that I will die alone, drinking hard liquor, because that is generally what you do whenever you are alone. Except for Mr. Burns on The Simpsons, I have never seen a person happy and alone, and Mr. Burns had Smithers. So there.

And our society offers little in the way of encouragement, considering the fact that most people with divorced parents end up divorcing, and most people with married parents end up divorcing, and most people who reach levels above the fetus wind up divorcing, and so on. Our society is to commitment what Islam is to nonviolence, really. We divorce the War in Iraq. We divorce France. And Hillary, although I don’t hold us responsible for any of those, really.

But I really do think anybody with children should stay together. Really, why should you hold your children responsible for your stupid mistakes, like having children? You should have to stay married for them, unless he’s beating you, or drunk all the time, or lazy, or…

And here we go again.