Luigiville Christian Church News Sunday, October 30

Hello parishioners! Remember that tomorrow is Halloween, which means it’s time for us to go around the neighborhood scaring the hell out of children and telling them that Halloween is evil. You should all know why, considering the fact that these children routinely dress as demons and Japanese cartoon characters, which are both evil. Why, just yesterday the pastor’s daughter watched one of these demon cartoons and it was talking about “demons” like it was no big deal! This sort of thing is a horrible thing for our nation’s children. Next thing you know, we’ll have three-year-olds bombing Pearl Harbor. And probably worshipping Satan too.

Now is also the time to prepare the children in your household for Christmas, and warn them against all the people who would be despicable enough to say things like Christmas trees and gift giving and all of that is pagan. These people are of the Devil. They all want U.S. President George W. Bush’s head on a platter and probably want a gay marriage in Taxachusetts to boot. You must warn your children against them, or else they will become transsexual transvestite prostitutes.

Finally, Happy Veterans’ Day Everyone!